Friday, March 18, 2005
: How To Maintain A Girlfriend
A new age is upon us as we find young men and women feigning maturity and getting into relationships hastily. Often, these relationships end in acrimonious circumstances simply because, in adopting traditional male-dominance roles, the men are unable to impress themselves upon the relationship and satisfy the needs of their partners.
Simple rules need to be laid down by those who possess valuable experience and insight for those who lack such paradoxical essentials. Without experience, you cannot gain more. Yoghurt makes more yoghurt.
The first and most important rule can avoid you much heartache and suffering. Mostly suffering though. Heartache is for the obese. Simply put, you must, at all costs, ensure that you
1. Do Not Make Her Angry.
It is oft-quoted that "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". The great poet who penned that probably did so with his posterior pressed upon a cobblestone street, beneath the oil lamp hanging outside the front door of the house he used to share with his wife. Certainly, women are to be reckoned with when they are upset, visibly distressed and/or angry. They will do anything to anyone at any time, with no forewarning. If you wish to place your personal wellbeing at the forefront of your relationship, then I strongly urge that you
2. Do Not Make Her Angry.
When she asks you if the dress she's wearing makes her look fat, you will reply that it does not. Do not add any comments such as 'you look fine', or anything that could be miscontrued as a sarcastic or untruthful remark. Silence is your safest bet. If she persists, find a subtle way to change the subject: 'My only concern is that the colour of your earrings may clash with the colour of your dress.' Never, under any circumstances including extreme duress, hint at or imply that your girlfriend is of an unacceptable weight. This is what relationship counsellors call 'The Point of No Return'.
Remember, gentleman: when complaining, girlfriends will always, always generalise. To be the undisputed captain of your relationship, you must be perfect.
3. In order to be perfect, you must appear perfect.
Perfection is very simple to attain if you only seek a pale shadow of it. Simply put, you must seem infallible. By this, I mean that you must be consistent. Always be in control of your conduct - it must be impeccable at all times. Always buy her flowers - one stalk for lunch or dinner dates and several for other occasions. Make it a point to appear that you have let the whole world see you carry the flowers to your girlfriend. For those who are embarrassed by the antics of romantics, hide them in a paper bag and dump the bag just before you meet her.
Always compliment something about her. Here is a list of things that should be complimented at one time or another (but of course, not all at once): hairstyle, tan, eyes, smile, earrings, lipstick, bracelet, necklace, handbag, clothes, fingernails, watch, complexion, skin texture, style, interests, tastes. Please note that you must actually observe a change in or display of any of the above before making a comment. If she looks whiter than chalk today, do not praise her sun-bronzed tan. She will see through your lie and you will not be spared.
You must be right. Do not argue over something that you are unsure of. Only objective matters are to be debated. Only argue when you know you are right and can prove it. If not, don't bother - let her have her way. She will think she is in control but she is not.
4. Sweet Nothings are Everything
True love smells faintly of alcohol. When one is madly in love, the feeling is almost intoxicating - the result is an endless flow of sweet nothings from parted lips. Occasionally delight your significant other with these whispered words of wistful wonder. She will think you are incredibly romantic and you can slack off the rest of the week.
Some people say that you cannot buy love, but they are wrong. You can buy love and I know a few places where they even accept foreign currency, but that's another story for another day. To your girlfriend, the giving of gifts is a show of affection as well as a necessity. You must show that you love her in a purely tangible way or you can forget about ever being kissed again. All's fair in love and war, until somebody gets strangled with pink ribbon. That's why you need to know how to
5. Buy Her Proper Gifts
That means no cheesy (pun unintended) photograph frames; no generic personal care items; nothing that hints at problems of hers or concerns that you may have; and certainly no food! If you cannot make anything, learn how to. If you posesss the dexterity, vision and purpose of a one-legged duck then you should actively seek unique and meaningful gifts. However, most people don't realise that you can actually give meaning to gifts rather than find gifts that have to explain their own meanings to her. Either you can buy something unique in advance and then set her up for it so that she'll be very pleased to receive it, or you can buy her something provided you are able to persuade her that it means something significant.
Unless you share her immense interest in something, do not buy her something she is interested in, or worse, extremely proficient in, without knowing exactly what it is that you're getting her. For this you will require someone who is proficient in the instruments or articles of her favoured trade. Buying watercolour paint for an oil-painter will earn you nothing but contempt.
6. Never Forget What It Is That She Loves About You.
Ask her once, at an opportune moment and she will list a few things that you must make a point to note down somewhere. Keep this list in your wallet, tape it to your bathroom wall, stuff it under your pillow - do whatever it takes to remember the contents of this list. Strive, toil, slave, whatever it is, to retain these good things about yourself. Without them, you are nothing and she will leave you at the next available opportune moment.
Speaking of which, when the two of you disagree, as you undoubtedly will on some things, you must remember to
7. Always Keep Your Head On Straight
Ladies are incredibly talented in emotive responses. They can be unreasonable now and then and yet wonderfully empathetic at other times. They do not mean to harm you or cause you grief. They just want what is best for you. What is best for you, however, is a subjective matter. As I mentioned before, you must strive to avoid subjective debates. You have two options - you either turn tail and flee, or you learn to stay and cheat. Cheating involves turning a normally subjective issue into a purely objective one that you are able to manipulate to satisfy your own dastardly ends.
For example, the two of you disagree on an issue of health - she feels that you must eat more vegetables and you don't see this as necessary. These are not your opinions at odds with one another - these are your values. The head is easier to persuade than the heart. However, simply shifting the focus from subjective values to objective scientific proof can tilt this debate in your favour. "Why should I eat vegetables? I get my fibre from this health drink and anyway, vegetables are my food's food - not mine."
Problem solved.
8. Never Talk About The Ex
funny, though slightly cliched- are you planning to give advice or to make your reader laugh? if both, which one are you trying to do more?
eg i like it when he talks about his ex because it's like he has nothing to hide. more suitable if you made it 'do not make comparisons to the ex'. girlfriends like it when their boyfriends talk about the ex, especially if it's bad bad bad ;)
and if a dress really made me look fat i'd appreciate an honest opinion. why not try sthg like learn fashion basics like horizontal strips make you wider and vertical strips have a slimming effect. or what cuts flatter what body types- not hard, just pick up any issue of glamour. ;)
-anonymous, to be revealed at a later date unless you already know who this is
Probably the latter of the two. This guide's useful to most guys, because guys can't/won't/don't handle the complicated things. Or the complicated side of what are meant to be relatively simple things. Like that sentence itself.
Most guys don't know where to stop when it comes to talking about their ex-girlfriends. So it's a good idea to forget about the whole thing altogether, until she brings it up. And when she does, you can follow guidelines number 1, 2 and 7 to wiggle your way out of saying something stupid. Like I love her.
Guys, remember to never, ever, ever trust a girl when she says she will not get angry or upset with you if you promise to be honest with her. There are always exceptions to the rule, but really, would you like to discover these lovely lasses the hard way? I think not.
But seriously, this guide is written in jest. Let's see it that way.
you're so smart! all your guy friends must worship you!
- the gorgeous one
Guys don't worship other guys, sadly. There's too much pride in this game. The only true alpha males are George Clooney and Jesus Christ.
Er... not in any particular order, that is.
well, they do, secretly. shhh.
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Simple rules need to be laid down by those who possess valuable experience and insight for those who lack such paradoxical essentials. Without experience, you cannot gain more. Yoghurt makes more yoghurt.
The first and most important rule can avoid you much heartache and suffering. Mostly suffering though. Heartache is for the obese. Simply put, you must, at all costs, ensure that you
1. Do Not Make Her Angry.
It is oft-quoted that "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". The great poet who penned that probably did so with his posterior pressed upon a cobblestone street, beneath the oil lamp hanging outside the front door of the house he used to share with his wife. Certainly, women are to be reckoned with when they are upset, visibly distressed and/or angry. They will do anything to anyone at any time, with no forewarning. If you wish to place your personal wellbeing at the forefront of your relationship, then I strongly urge that you
2. Do Not Make Her Angry.
When she asks you if the dress she's wearing makes her look fat, you will reply that it does not. Do not add any comments such as 'you look fine', or anything that could be miscontrued as a sarcastic or untruthful remark. Silence is your safest bet. If she persists, find a subtle way to change the subject: 'My only concern is that the colour of your earrings may clash with the colour of your dress.' Never, under any circumstances including extreme duress, hint at or imply that your girlfriend is of an unacceptable weight. This is what relationship counsellors call 'The Point of No Return'.
Remember, gentleman: when complaining, girlfriends will always, always generalise. To be the undisputed captain of your relationship, you must be perfect.
3. In order to be perfect, you must appear perfect.
Perfection is very simple to attain if you only seek a pale shadow of it. Simply put, you must seem infallible. By this, I mean that you must be consistent. Always be in control of your conduct - it must be impeccable at all times. Always buy her flowers - one stalk for lunch or dinner dates and several for other occasions. Make it a point to appear that you have let the whole world see you carry the flowers to your girlfriend. For those who are embarrassed by the antics of romantics, hide them in a paper bag and dump the bag just before you meet her.
Always compliment something about her. Here is a list of things that should be complimented at one time or another (but of course, not all at once): hairstyle, tan, eyes, smile, earrings, lipstick, bracelet, necklace, handbag, clothes, fingernails, watch, complexion, skin texture, style, interests, tastes. Please note that you must actually observe a change in or display of any of the above before making a comment. If she looks whiter than chalk today, do not praise her sun-bronzed tan. She will see through your lie and you will not be spared.
You must be right. Do not argue over something that you are unsure of. Only objective matters are to be debated. Only argue when you know you are right and can prove it. If not, don't bother - let her have her way. She will think she is in control but she is not.
4. Sweet Nothings are Everything
True love smells faintly of alcohol. When one is madly in love, the feeling is almost intoxicating - the result is an endless flow of sweet nothings from parted lips. Occasionally delight your significant other with these whispered words of wistful wonder. She will think you are incredibly romantic and you can slack off the rest of the week.
Some people say that you cannot buy love, but they are wrong. You can buy love and I know a few places where they even accept foreign currency, but that's another story for another day. To your girlfriend, the giving of gifts is a show of affection as well as a necessity. You must show that you love her in a purely tangible way or you can forget about ever being kissed again. All's fair in love and war, until somebody gets strangled with pink ribbon. That's why you need to know how to
5. Buy Her Proper Gifts
That means no cheesy (pun unintended) photograph frames; no generic personal care items; nothing that hints at problems of hers or concerns that you may have; and certainly no food! If you cannot make anything, learn how to. If you posesss the dexterity, vision and purpose of a one-legged duck then you should actively seek unique and meaningful gifts. However, most people don't realise that you can actually give meaning to gifts rather than find gifts that have to explain their own meanings to her. Either you can buy something unique in advance and then set her up for it so that she'll be very pleased to receive it, or you can buy her something provided you are able to persuade her that it means something significant.
Unless you share her immense interest in something, do not buy her something she is interested in, or worse, extremely proficient in, without knowing exactly what it is that you're getting her. For this you will require someone who is proficient in the instruments or articles of her favoured trade. Buying watercolour paint for an oil-painter will earn you nothing but contempt.
6. Never Forget What It Is That She Loves About You.
Ask her once, at an opportune moment and she will list a few things that you must make a point to note down somewhere. Keep this list in your wallet, tape it to your bathroom wall, stuff it under your pillow - do whatever it takes to remember the contents of this list. Strive, toil, slave, whatever it is, to retain these good things about yourself. Without them, you are nothing and she will leave you at the next available opportune moment.
Speaking of which, when the two of you disagree, as you undoubtedly will on some things, you must remember to
7. Always Keep Your Head On Straight
Ladies are incredibly talented in emotive responses. They can be unreasonable now and then and yet wonderfully empathetic at other times. They do not mean to harm you or cause you grief. They just want what is best for you. What is best for you, however, is a subjective matter. As I mentioned before, you must strive to avoid subjective debates. You have two options - you either turn tail and flee, or you learn to stay and cheat. Cheating involves turning a normally subjective issue into a purely objective one that you are able to manipulate to satisfy your own dastardly ends.
For example, the two of you disagree on an issue of health - she feels that you must eat more vegetables and you don't see this as necessary. These are not your opinions at odds with one another - these are your values. The head is easier to persuade than the heart. However, simply shifting the focus from subjective values to objective scientific proof can tilt this debate in your favour. "Why should I eat vegetables? I get my fibre from this health drink and anyway, vegetables are my food's food - not mine."
Problem solved.
8. Never Talk About The Ex
Talking about your Ex is infinitely worse than calling your girlfriend a fat-fuck, to her face.
9. Her Friends Are Your Friends
They may be chronically uncool or terminally annoying, but she sees something in them that she likes, and she will definitely hope that you can get along with them as well as you do. Some girls don't understand that most relationships are about complementary needs, but nevertheless, you must persevere with her friends. Getting along with them will set you up for the last and most important task, which is to
10. Make Her Parents Love You
If you win their trust and affection, nothing can possibly go wrong. They will even side with you when she is angry with you and encourage you to 'talk some sense into that crazy girl'. They are valuable allies and showering them with praise, affection, feigned attention, gifts and wanton displays of perfection will only cement your place in their hearts as their daughter's only worthy match. Hitting on the daughter involves (to some extent) hitting on her mother too.
Remember these ten rules and you will be on your way to a well-maintained relationship. Soon wedding bells may be ringing, who knows? Alas, there is no guide to marriage. By then, anyway, it is too late to save yourself.
Little did she know that the card after this read
"A Perfect 10. Will you be my tart forever?"
funny, though slightly cliched- are you planning to give advice or to make your reader laugh? if both, which one are you trying to do more?
eg i like it when he talks about his ex because it's like he has nothing to hide. more suitable if you made it 'do not make comparisons to the ex'. girlfriends like it when their boyfriends talk about the ex, especially if it's bad bad bad ;)
and if a dress really made me look fat i'd appreciate an honest opinion. why not try sthg like learn fashion basics like horizontal strips make you wider and vertical strips have a slimming effect. or what cuts flatter what body types- not hard, just pick up any issue of glamour. ;)
-anonymous, to be revealed at a later date unless you already know who this is
Probably the latter of the two. This guide's useful to most guys, because guys can't/won't/don't handle the complicated things. Or the complicated side of what are meant to be relatively simple things. Like that sentence itself.
Most guys don't know where to stop when it comes to talking about their ex-girlfriends. So it's a good idea to forget about the whole thing altogether, until she brings it up. And when she does, you can follow guidelines number 1, 2 and 7 to wiggle your way out of saying something stupid. Like I love her.
Guys, remember to never, ever, ever trust a girl when she says she will not get angry or upset with you if you promise to be honest with her. There are always exceptions to the rule, but really, would you like to discover these lovely lasses the hard way? I think not.
But seriously, this guide is written in jest. Let's see it that way.
you're so smart! all your guy friends must worship you!
- the gorgeous one
Guys don't worship other guys, sadly. There's too much pride in this game. The only true alpha males are George Clooney and Jesus Christ.
Er... not in any particular order, that is.
well, they do, secretly. shhh.
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